You are so beautiful, beyond description

I pictured who you would become, who you are. Always so beautiful, your laughter, your smile. I always knew you, even now.

I know your pain, I was there with you. The pain of rejection, I was always there. Even when you felt alone, I was there. I know you push me away, you think I’m judging or condemning you but all I have for you is love.

You stand there, laughing on the outside, but inside crying.

There’s a deep wound of rejection bound so tight by attitude and perceptions of how you should be around certain people, certain groups.

I know you’ve been fighting all your life but if you’ll have me, you’ll be able to rest knowing I’ve already accepted you just as you are.

In my embrace you won’t have to fight anymore, you can rest in my arms.

You are beautiful to me. Whatever you call yourself, you’re my child.

Since you’re my child, I will never leave nor forsake you. Since you’re my child I’ll always fight for you. Since you’re my child I’ll always protect and provide for you.

Since you’re my child I’ve conquered death for you. Since you’re my child, I’ve felt the burn of rejection for you. Since you’re my child, I want you to be vulnerable with me.

It’s time to come out of the cave and show who you really are.

I don’t care what you call yourself, gay trans, fluid, binary, you are human and worthy of my love.

You are my child. Now you are mine and forever loved.

You are not an orphan, a reject or an outcast. You are a child of God.

Your true identity is being my child. You are royalty bought by the blood of Jesus. Show me your wounds, I will heal them.

I love you.

– Jesus

Xoxo

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Pune- testimony.

Yesterday God said you have to go to pune. This morning two hours before my train God said I have to catch the 12:10 one. A man gave me directions at the snack counter, in the same car, the man sat next to me. Crazy. On the train I prayed about where I should stay and found a few but one host’s name kept flashing in my mind. And a vision of twin beds that was in the room. Sure enough he accepted.

However he told me he was about to block out the dates because his caregiver had an emergency and had to leave so he wasn’t going to accept anymore guests. Somehow my booking came in and he accepted.

Two college age girls helped me get a cab and made sure I was okay. I told them Jesus loves them.

When I arrived the host said he gave me the room with a private bathroom since I’m a woman but a boy wanted my room. I asked to see his room (examining the soundproofing of the room) then met him.

Later I tried to book food on ubereats but failed and I heard God say “eat out”. At the same time the boy was going out to eat. I asked to come with.

During dinner the young man told me his dad is paralyzed. He told me this happened 5 years ago and that he was shot in the arm 3 years ago and he said that he saw his friend get shot when he was 12.

When I got back to the Airbnb I kept hearing God say “switch rooms with him”. I didn’t understand. But I remember God often spoke in symbolism. Then I knew I wasn’t finished.

I got to share my testimony with him. I shared how I never felt like I was enough for my mother but Jesus set me free to know I’m enough because of His finished work on the cross.

As I prayed over him I saw that he would punch a punching bag and it would hit him back. I also said he needed to forgive his dad. I said that he was enough and he’s done enough. He said karma.

I said Jesus came to give you grace and I explained why he has been forgiven for his sins and that Jesus took on the punishment. I asked if he wanted to have a relationship with Him but he said he had too many trust issues with religion as the hand life dealt him was shitty.

I said God sent me to let him know that He hasn’t forgotten him.

When the spirit leads, even if you run you run to your assignment.

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That’s what my friend said, to comfort me in my momentary despair.

I said “why do I have to meet guys who aren’t going to be my husband and then experience the heart break and pain? While I see people who just meet that one right person and seem to live happily ever after, or sure, with some issues in marriage”.

“There’s still some work to be done, deeper wounds that need to be healed” says another friend.

I’m 31. I don’t know how many more need to be healed but seems like an unending drama.

Like one of those dramas that are dragged on so that time can pass for no good reason but they have nothing to show on tv.

How come other people seem to have no issues….or maybe it’s just because they choose to settle for someone who has issues that they also have…and both refuse to heal or grow from it. Instead these couples live in their codependent miseries.

That really makes me feel better.

I am just choosing not to settle.

I could have settled with my ex, who was emotionally absent and had a wall that couldn’t be knocked down.

I could have settled for an alcoholic.

I could have settled for a selfish man.

So sure I see many who married and seem to have beautiful lives but who knows what’s behind the curtain? Most people don’t share their problems with the world. It’s better to smile for the camera and post a picture perfect marriage.

Well, my healing journey has not been easy. Having been single for 5 years the last year God gave me a dream where he showed me pictures of men like on tinder and said “get ready”.

Sure enough, the matches came.

But none were really it.

Something was always missing.

The main ingredient- an unfaltering and unwavering commitment to follow Jesus at any cost.

Sure I met good Christian men too, but they were half committed to Jesus. I would prophesy something over them and many of them are still where they are last year. I’m not saying they’re bad, I’m just saying I need to have the same level of faith with my hubby.

I can’t be dragged down trying to convince someone.

I met non Christian men too. But it was obvious their sole agenda was lust or longed for someone to fill the void that only Jesus could fill.

I healed from my issues and am still discovering if there are any more.

1. I had major trust issues because my dad cheated on my mom- God brought me people that were trustworthy and I realize men can be trusted, just need to be the right person.

2. My dad did not provide growing up and I realize that I want a man that loves to provide.

3. I cannot be with an alcoholic. I need someone who is completely filled with Jesus and His spirit.

4. Emotional vulnerability is key to the man I am supposed to be with. This man doesn’t just talk about work or how his day was but he talks about how he feels.

5. Honesty – I realize is everything and will break the thickest emotional wall.

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Ugly crying.

Heartache and heartbreak. We try to avoid it but it comes after us. It makes for the best writing and the best songs, the best art, it’s what makes us human. Without it we wouldn’t know vulnerability, we wouldn’t love well.

We don’t love people well when we have closed hearts. Open hearts feel with others. Open hearts allow the risk of being hurt to be present. Closed hearts says “I don’t want to listen to your story because I don’t want to feel what you feel”.

It’s easy to be logical and tell someone to leave their abusive or unloving husband or boyfriend, but to go through it yourself, or to follow your gut and not your heart which often times is tied to brokenness in your soul, that’s another story.

As I’m talking to my friend about heartache I remember this one time years ago where my ex roommate tucked me into my bed. He was my first guy roommate.

I thought it was fine because I had a boyfriend. I was safe because I was taken, I wouldn’t have some type of love affair with a guy I lived with in the same house.

Because I was so broken and didn’t know what love was supposed to be like, I was attracted to men who were emotionally absent. And even physically absent, like my father.

My ex would disappear for days, sometimes not answering my texts or calls. I’ve never been obsessive, I’d send one text and wait patiently for a reply. I’d give up. I’d think “he must be busy”. But my mind would run wild. Where is he? What is he doing? I made excuses for his behavior. I thought it was normal because the fact that anyone was around was enough for me.

3 days would pass.

And the one who was present? My guy roommate. He had his own room FYI. I cried and told him my boyfriend had been ghosting me. I didn’t understand why there was a wall I couldn’t break down. Even when he was present, I couldn’t read his thoughts and he didn’t share his emotions with me. He was just a very practical guy. He could fix cars and lights. He could pay for dinner.

He understood instructions, and completed tasks, but when it came to his heart, he was completely illiterate.

My roommate played with bunnies on the grass. I thought he was a bit feminine. He wrote poetry and we would read our writing to each other.

I realized that I often went for guys who were emotionally unavailable because it was safer. I know it’s sound strange. Because emotional openness means telling your truth, and risking having to feel what you don’t want to feel.

It’s easier to shut your heart down completely than to speak your truth and feel those emotions.

My ex would tell me he needed space. “Why can’t you just tell me you need space?” I would say.

My roommate tucked me into my bed as I cried over my boyfriend at the time. Why am I with a ghost when there is flesh and blood here? He told me to breathe as he said breathing brings you back to yourself.

I didn’t understand it. I’d be attracted to a non-present man, while next to me was someone available, someone emotionally open, someone loving.

And my broken soul had to go for the broken man.

Someone I couldn’t attain, someone whose heart was locked with a dead bolt, tripled locked. No amount of prying, questioning, asking, praying seemed to do the job.

The only thing that pried my ex open was me mentioning breaking up.

It was the first time I saw him cry in the 2.5 years we were together. He begged and cried. What can I do to change, he asked. I said I needed to be with someone who believes in Jesus and I want to marry one day.

He said he would go to church with me. Let’s get married now!!

I said, no.

Because those weren’t the factors that prevented us from moving forward- I knew for ages that he wasn’t it, he wasn’t exactly what I wanted as a life partner.

So my heart didn’t want to break up, but my spirit knew – he’s not it. He’s not your life partner.

It’s easy to avoid talking about your emotions, it’s easy to shut down your heart.

What’s difficult is saying how you feel. And finding closure and agreement.

If you’re going through heartache I pray God would give you comfort in this hour. I pray you would know that God is with you.

He loves you dearly.

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I’m understanding what I give to people no money can ever buy. The strength of knowing they are a child of God. I don’t need big houses or buildings, nice cars to tell my my worth. I’m bought by the blood of Jesus and I have peace father God always takes care of me. Most people I minister to have much more fear of lack than I do. They have much more material possessions.

But I’ve become fearless. I know I’m a child of God and no demons in hell can stop me. I know father God never leaves nor forsakes me. That is something no money can buy. A relationship with father God and undying trust to Him.

I go where He calls me at a moment’s notice to who He leads me to. That is undying trust. I put my life in the hands of my father because He loves me and never forsakes me.

Those who are rich are not those who have billions of dollars – the rich ones are the ones who know they are a child of God and that God will never leave nor forsake them. They move mountains.

Sometimes I don’t have much money on me but I have a father who richly provides all my needs. I have a zillionaire father so I do His work – with a backpack and a carry on, I go where He leads me. I trust Him totally. He has shown me His faithfulness.

So I minister to those who have a fear of lack, who have everything in this world but the assurance that God can be trusted. Paul says gold and silver have I none but in the name of Jesus get up and walk! It’s a power no gold or silver can buy!

People I prophesy to have a fear of surrendering their job, moving, walking into the unknown- getting up- because getting up means trusting God.

But Father God can be trusted. I walked for years in trust with God. It can be scary at times but exhilarating when you see Him work. When His instructions lead you to a person who has been praying for an answer for 3 years. And you are the answer.

It’s so fun and adventurous. I never have a boring day.

Yesterday the Lord had told me I’m staying in Taipei and told me beitou. When I looked up places on Airbnb the first one that popped up – God said, this one.

I said, “hmmm okay”.

A donation of almost exact amount had come in on the same day.

The lady was super friendly on the phone, and when I went I noticed a Bible on the table. I asked the cleaner if she is Christian but then she said the owner was. I never met the owner in person but we talked on the phone and it turned out she had been through a lot of spiritual warfare lately.

I prayed for her. She said she had recently started to pray again and that she was coming back to Jesus. Upon further messaging I later learned she was preparing for her father’s funeral.

It’s those moments you realize, God sent you to be someone’s relief, someone’s answer.

I slept 12 hours that night.

I’m currently going back to shuangxi. Continue praying for me and those I minister to.

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A word on my spirit. Someone out there is choosing the easier and more comfortable route but God is asking you to step out in faith. It’s not an easy word to deliver because no one likes to be uncomfortable but God’s intention is to grow you.

Feel free to message me on Facebook if you have questions or want to tell me your story.

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You have to learn to protect what God has ordained in your life. Not everyone is sent by God and not everyone is supposed to be in your life long term.

I am learning how to set boundaries in my life and writing down what is important to me.

1. I need to honor myself first and foremost. Am I honoring my time, my energy, my being? Am I wasting time on those who simply give me attention, but suck me of my energy? What is the opportunity cost of being friends with this person?

2. Do the friends around me have my best interest in mind? Do they understand my destiny, calling and purpose in life and are they supportive of it? And am I supportive of their dreams? Is the friendship ordained by God?

3. Friends and someone you minister to is different. A friend is on your level. Someone you minister to is someone you help but may not necessarily receive the same level of help.

4. Friendship is a two way street.

One party needs to be open and so does another. It’s an exchange of energy, time, love. If one party has no interest in having an open heart, it’s hard for the other to continue.

5. Vulnerability is most important. It’s important to speak your mind and be honest.

Why do we feed people who don’t feed us back and neglect those who can actually love us.

Many people chase after people who treat them like crap, because they like the attention.

If there is a part of our soul that still desires unhealthy fruit, we will chase after that which is not healthy for us. So God heals the part of us that are broken.

6. Understand and give grace, but remember where you stand.

Some people are for a lifetime but some are for moments. Ask God to show you if that friend is temporary. And some come and go depending on the season, and it’s ok to let go.

7. Recognize codependency– codependency is when there is no boundaries and I often found myself in codependent relationships and God had to show me, it’s okay to pull back and not over give of yourself when that person isn’t reciprocating.

You cannot force someone to give of themselves when it’s not out of desire.

I realize that recently I was becoming codependent with a friend and it was hurting me because I was getting involved unnecessarily in her life and friendships. And it was not my job to help her or fix her friends.

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1. PROPHETIC WORD AND PRAYER – TRUST YOUR HEART.
DON’T SETTLE FOR LESS! It may mean you have no one to hold when you feel alone but GO TO GOD. Don’t have a backup plan for your life. Don’t have plan B or a side chick/some dude who is NOT YOUR LIFE PARTNER! BLOCK, DELETE!

JUST BECAUSE IT’S AN OPTION OR AVAILABLE TO USE DOES NOT MEAN YOU NEED TO USE IT!

2. Prophetic word- it’s time to trade your garment of mourning for the garment of praise! Don’t pick up old clothes anymore.

To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness, that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that He might be glorified.

Isaiah 61:3

After I wrote the last post I had several dreams. I had one dream where I held a cute baby and then it turned to a man. However I found out the baby was being operated by a woman.

When I was holding the baby I saw people dancing but I felt comfortable sitting and holding the baby so I did not get up.

In another dream I was going to a thrift shop and I picked up a shirt I donated and asked if I could borrow it and return it.

It’s been a transitional season and I’ve gotten prophetic words from people but sometimes it can differ a little bit from what I’m feeling or hearing. It may bring confusion to my heart but when I really sit down and ask God I sense this.

It’s time to trade your season of mourning to praise.

To pick up and get off your feet.

To strike the ground and not sit in fear anymore.

To work the ground because the harvest is coming.

Do not lament anymore, it’s time to be excited for what’s to come.

God gave me those dreams after I wrote the previous one. He told me to go back to sleep as there were more dreams.

Don’t pick up old mentalities and ideas anymore.

Don’t pick up the past anymore.

Move forward.

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Thank you for your contribution. May the Lord bless you abundantly! My vision is to see people be who they truly are, with no shame or guilt, knowing that they are enough in God’s eyes.

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God spoke such a convicting word to me today.

He said –

“People pray for things but it’s because if they get it they won’t need me and it will add to their worth, which they think is lacking right now“.

And that’s a lie because Jesus’ sacrifice made you whole on the cross. So when God sees you He only sees Jesus, whole and unblemished.

Our prayers should be “the lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing”. That’s what I kept decreeing when I was on an island in Vietnam and didn’t know I was going to survive or even get off the island. I had less than $20 left. I was crying and really afraid. But I said God you said you are my shepherd and I lack nothing. That’s my reality.

When I was eating outside a man came by and later came back. I didn’t tell him my situation exactly but I told him I was being led by the spirit and doing it by faith. He turned out to be a believer and said he wanted to give. He was actually not wanting to withdraw money again because of atm fees, but God was really testing his trust in Him. He had a fear of lack and God sent me to show Him trust.

Our prayers shouldn’t be “God give us more money. It should be God I lack nothing, continue being my provider”.

I have a strong anointing to break off the “identity of lack” because I lacked all things in the natural. I followed the Holy Spirit to pastor lost sheep and didn’t even have enough money to pay for a hostel. God led me to where I needed to go as He told me to ask specific people on the road for help.

One guy at Macdonald’s made me feel ashamed for asking for help and I started crying.

God I am so ashamed.

I was so intimidated.

He said to me- “Do you know you are priestly royalty? And you are asking for his sake, not yours? Because he has a heart of stone and is not willing to bend? His heart has been closed for a long time and by asking you are (Jesus) knocking at his heart. Will you open and let me in? – I am saying to him”.

My job is hard as a prophet, I felt less than because of how the man responded. But God showed me again and again, you are my child. You’re my prophet. Don’t look at your circumstances, you are breaking hard spiritual ground. It was in a city in New Zealand where the youth I met at Macdonald’s told me it was highly racist and a stingy city. They were very judgemental there and didn’t like foreigners, yet it was a very religious city too.

The religious spirit was evident there as the man who intimidated me was a Lutheran. He looked down on me and asked if I always ask people for money. He was well dressed, but his wife wanted to help. She looked at him for approval and permission.

She was under control too. She was not free.

He kept saying no but finally she went to the car to look for change and when she came back and saw me crying, she said she would get more but never came back.

His controlling spirit changed her mind.

But remember God was specific about who to ask, because He knew what was going on inside of them. Remember this does not apply to everyone.

That’s why when God tells me to ask strangers it’s usually an indication of where they are spiritually. One time He told me to ask a group of Buddhists in India and they all started laughing at me. Why does an american need an Indian’s donation?

God said don’t leave until they give.

The only one that was open to Jesus gave me $1.

How willing are you to give into the spirit of fear and intimidation and give up on peoples’ hearts. God is building a I won’t leave until this thing breaks spirit.

God did not tell me to start asking people for donations until I was really ready to, because it takes a lot of supernatural courage to do it.

But the places where there is the most poverty is where God actually uses giving as a way to break off the spiritual stronghold of lack in that city or country.

Those who think they are lacking need to give to break off the spirit of lack.

One time I asked a homeless man for a donation, I placed a penny next to him. He said I have nothing to give. I said here’s a penny. I said you look at yourself and think you have nothing to give to the world but you are not lacking anything because of Jesus‘ sacrifice. Then God told me to give to him.

Sometimes I’ll ask someone for a donation and they will say I have nothing to give. Then I’ll say do you have $1? Then you have something and you are not lacking.

I was on an Uber ride and prayed and prophesied over a man. He said his dad died 10 years ago. He was grateful that God answered His prayers of sending someone to minister to him. God said to ask him for a donation and he said I don’t have any cash.

All of a sudden he said here. It was $10. Representing the prophetic word- he will restore the years the locust has taken away from you- the 10 years since his father died.

People think –

If only I get a perfect body, I’ll be whole. If I get my husband or wife, I’ll be happy. If I get a new place, I’ll be whole. If I get more money I won’t need to rely on God and I won’t feel like I’m lacking. If I just walk into my promises, I’ll know God loves me.

But all of that is actually a spirit of lack lying to you. It causes you to look at your circumstances (condition of your body, possessions, bank account, relationships, self) versus your identity as a child of God, reigning over this earth and having dominion over all things.

You are enough and you are not lacking. You don’t have to become more anything. You can rest in God’s perfect grace for you.

A sheep trust her shepherd (Jesus) to feed her and lead her, someone who relies on money has no shepherd or father.

I’m reminded when I was on the road and needed food or needed to know where he was leading me to sleep he always told me where and how. He often did not tell me where I was supposed to go until the day of because I wasn’t reliant on the plans but on God Himself. Was it scary? Yes. I had to pray against fear everyday. I also didn’t have someone next to me to talk to everyday but God always led me to other brothers and sisters as well and He gave me times of rest.

So it wasn’t MONEY I needed but his VOICE.

That’s why it says A psalm of David.

The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley,I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

God does not want us to be self reliant or be in control. He wants us to be a sheep that trusts Him completely to protect us.

When we look at our shortcoming, we always feel lacking but when we look to Christ who is perfect and became our sin- we know we are actually whole because of His sacrifice!

Break off the fear of lack and reliance on mammon by sowing a seed of trust to God –

Ask the Lord if it’s time to give– when you know you’ve been relying on money or your job more than God, when you give- you realize no I am enough, I’m not lacking.

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I feel like I’m suffocating

Like I’m drowning

I care for you and I can’t breathe

But I feel like you are a speck in the ocean slowly moving away

Walking away

I cry in silence

Sometimes loudly

Bawling

Yet you seem to feel nothing

And so I fade into the distance, I allow my heart to suffocate into the background

This is a familiar feeling

When I knew it was ending but I didn’t want to let go

I silently screamed into my pillow

I had given my all

And yet it was not enough

I’ve paid my dues, this time I’ll learn to let go faster than before

I feel like I’m drowning

But I can’t hear myself speak

I try to speak but words won’t come out because I still want your security even when it is false

I almost cried hearing his story

He walked away, angry, never crying

He said.

If I said how I felt, it wouldn’t be enough, what is the point, his pride would get in the way

This time, I’ll let go faster than I did before

So my heart does not suffocate from lack of air.

This time I’ll let myself be happy instead of pay a fine

This time I’ll walk out scotch free, this time I’ll choose myself, instead of pleasing him.

This time I’ll better myself by freeing myself

This time, this time.

And you’ll call me crazy, ridiculous, any words, any words.

But I hope you look in your heart and see that your refusal to be in touch with your heart is only a curse on your own soul.

Whoever he was, he is, they are all the same, the same lessons. They keep coming, they come in the form of tall and short, green or blue eyes, brown, they are all the same person walking in the same lesson.

Will you listen to your heart this time?

Or will you scream into the void?

Will you empty yourself until you have nothing left?

Will you try to break down a brick wall with your bare hands? Bloody and torn, those hands made to hold you, now depleted, destroyed.

He didn’t know it was coming last time, but it came like a storm and broke his cold stone heart, he wept for the first time. I broke his heart and it took years.

I didn’t know I had to let him go to open his heart, that was the only way to go, not to hold onto him, but to let him go.

I used to give all of myself to love someone, even if I only got 10% back.

I used to think it was my fault that someone wasn’t able to love me back, but I realize that some people have a small cup that cannot contain my bucket loads of love. 

My job is to find someone who can pour back into my buckets, instead of feeling depleted giving constantly.

I made the first move to reconcile with my dad after 10 years of not seeing him. I flew thousands of miles and hours to see him. Slowly we reconciled. I would fly back again after 2 years, more and more but every time I would be sad to leave, sometimes I was disappointed. Last time he couldn’t take me to the airport because he had a migraine.

No matter what, nothing seemed to be enough. Nothing I did could open up his heart to me.

So I would give all of myself to love someone, and most people only give back 10%.

What I learned is, find those who are willing to give love to you. 

I used to think it was my fault that people didn’t open up to me, that people didn’t love me, that my dad didn’t show love to me.

But I realize no, it’s not my fault. I tried my best and now I have to teach my heart to move on. I moved on from my dad, my mom, from my brother, from exes, from past friendships and I still learn to move on as I speak up and keep honoring my heart.

I kept trying to get love from people who didn’t have any to give.

And I realize very little people have that emotional capacity to express love.

God send me people that know how to express and give love without fear. I don’t have fear for fear has to do with punishment. Guide us into the right direction, to people who have love to give.

I stood up for myself this time. I spent 2.5 years allowing my heart to die to be with someone 6 years ago. I then encountered a man that reminded me of my ex. I had to learn to let go faster than I did last time. Because the same red flags came up. God will send the same type of person so you’d learn to stand up for yourself this time around.

The same situations will come up until you learn to overcome them and confront your worse fears.

Give to this ministry- Thank you! God bless!