You are enough. You are empowered.

You are everything you need to move forward, to step forward to the next path.

You are enough for me. 

Have courage, you can not see ahead, but you see the next step, so take the step. 

Even if you feel this low-grade depression, you can’t get up in the morning, you can’t move forward…you are enough. You are enough to keep going. It is all in you, seek the courage that is within you. Seek truth from something bigger, something higher, something you can not see. 

We live not by sight, but by faith. When others shrink, we choose to run. When others are scared of the economy, of their health, of their lives, we choose to be brave. We choose to give when others hoard, we choose to build our spirit, rather than tear our spirit down with junk.

We seek beauty when there seems to be so much ugliness.

You are enough to stand up for justice, even when most choose to silence their souls and their mouths. 

Our lives are not only about our careers or advancing our careers, our lives is a holistic growth which sings for depth. Without this realization, we will continue to feel empty. My job each day is to ask myself questions and to be aware of my spirit. 

How can you be courageous today and do something you need to do or have been wanting to do?

Don’t let others look down on you because of your age.

Show them through love, experience, growth, wisdom and love that you are who you are.

People can say they are a certain age, but it does not mean they grew from their age-old experiences. 

While, someone who is 18 could be 100 years old in spirit because they chose to learn valuable lessons from their 18 years on earth.

Keep learning, keep thirsting for more in life because that is what signifies true growth.

I will keep today short since I have to go to a real estate training early in the morning. I wrote this blog entry because people are often shocked when they hear me speak at events. They are shocked that I am so wise for my age. Like I said, if you don’t learn from your experiences, then those years of experiences mean nothing. Take hold of your experiences and let them be your mentors of growth. Growing up, often left alone to play, I had to observe the world. I was constantly observing people, elders, other peers…

I learned from my own experiences, but also from others. I learned from my older sibling, what not to do, what to do…I learned from my parents, I learned from my teachers and mentors. I avoided the bad choices other people made. 

How about you? How has experiences in life made you stronger, wiser, smarter?

I finally got my couch! I waited one month for them to create another Spring Serenity Couch. It is deliciously comfortable. I love the natural light coming in to my living room, no electricity needed!

I recorded today’s blog post while driving yesterday- the great thing about bluetooth and technology.

WHAT IS THE SPIRIT OF ABUNDANCE VERSUS THE SPIRIT OF POVERTY? 

Do you ever wonder why you feel like you are not good enough? However much you achieve in life, you don’t feel satisfied….in fact, you want more and you put all your identity in your achievements. It is time to realize that we are not orphans, but rightly knighted queens and kings with birth rights to happiness. Listen to this audio to learn more about how you can carry and own the spirit of abundance. Having the spirit of abundance is everything TO creating the life you want.

If you don’t feel like you deserve love, you will not find someone to love you because you will self-sabotage and believe in lies about who you are.

If you don’t feel like you deserve success, you will not succeed.

If you don’t feel like you deserve wealth, you will not become wealthy…..and so on.

Please comment below, I would love to hear your thoughts on how this audio benefited you! :)

Don’t pray for what you don’t want, or for something to go away, pray for what you do want.

Don’t worry about what you don’t want, dream about what you do want. 

Don’t think about the betrayals of the past, but work towards relationships that are healthy.

Don’t think about friends who don’t deserve your love, but make new friends who appreciate your love.

Don’t focus on the 20% of work that is not going right, focus on the 80% of work and life that is fabulous!

This is a SEASON of opportunity and change. Transition comes from the word, up-rooted. You will be uprooted from one place to another. You will be emptied in one place so your root can be planted in another good place. If you start to sense commotion or shaking, hold on! Help is coming!

The only way we can move forward in this season of change is to LET GO of what was not working and move forward into a brand new territory. This may be difficult at first and people around you may not like it, but as I heard in yoga- “Nurturing yourself is a way to love others around you”. We can whine and complain, or we can dream forward with action and fervor.

Wealth comes from the heart. 

Somehow I have been given this unique gift of sensing the heart…I have found that wealth comes from the heart.

Counterfeit wealth is veiled with splendor, bling, things that look wealthy, but comes from the spirit of poverty.

In the eyes of a young woman, sitting and eating my tacos, I saw a homeless person with his bike, in his own world. Half crazy, yet half happy, content in his reality. Then I saw families, buying tacos, happy and content. I went to a beautiful house and saw that wealth hardens people, and that there was poverty in both poor and wealthy. Even though everything was shiny on the outside, new, replicas of ancient furnitures, I could sense a spirit of poverty. This ever seeking of “not enough”, I am not so sure of. My deeper philosophical mind wants to ponder this disparity, yet I could only start to count my blessings.

I could only start to appreciate the way I grew up, I could only start to appreciate all the hardships I have gone through, working full time while going to school to pay off tuition, selling makeup under school desks, jewelry in trunks, I could only start to appreciate the little things. I could only start to appreciate the beautiful nights dancing away my simple life, the days backpacking and snorkeling in exotic parts of the world, adding up the bills I had to pay and wondering where the money would come from, not knowing how I would survive, but still having that faith that could throw a mountain into an ocean…I could only appreciate my simple creativity and zest for life. I could only appreciate having the wisdom to understand any persons, from 0 to 100, being able to relate on any level, listening and appreciating the human story of pain and joy.

Sometimes I feel cursed that I can read someone so well, with just one conversation.  I can feel their misery, their secret story of “not enough”, their constant strivings, their secret joys, their dreams…maybe someday they think…I hear these stories softly being spoken with nonverbal glances. Seek and you will find, I say. True treasures lie in your heart. 

And I continue, writing my heart out, so I can share the wealth that is within me.

I

I had a dream the other day about going to someone’s house. I interpreted I was not letting my true self out, that I was suffocating. It’s okay to come out and let the world know who you really are. Where is your house? Where is your heart?

Begins Thursday May 15, 2014, every thursday ( 7pm-8pm) until June 5 located in Los Angeles! 

REGISTER TODAY –http://manifestyoga.eventbrite.com/
First 3 Paid SIGN UPS for all 4 weeks receive a FREE YOGA MAT! There are 2 more left!! 

Objectives:

• Clarify your vision, goals, dreams, and gain a sense of peace and joy.
• Heal from physical and emotional wounds
• Let go of hindrances and blockages that are keeping goodness, abundance, health and wealth from you!
• Get physically fit and loosen tension so you can activate your dreams in your daily life with energy!

Manifest lasting Peace, Happiness, Health and Wealth As Rebekka guides you in Meditation and Yoga! 

This 4 week course will change your life, I guarantee it 1000%. As long as you are willing to let go, you can fill your life with goodness, happiness, and joy. 

With 1 Hour of Meditation and Yoga, you will manifest what will usually takes you 8 hours or a lifetime of unfocused work and striving.

This has been proven for me as I quit my job 3 years ago and started manifesting success and happiness in my own life, NOT THROUGH STRIVING, but THROUGH hours of mindset changes, reflection, learning and meditation. You will also experience physical and emotional healing, I can guarantee it. 

Find clarity and peace as I guide you in releasing untruth (or lies) that has led to emotional and physical tension.

I have been coaching and teaching more than 10 years, my life experience and journey of truth and love has compelled and driven me to teach the truths of abundance and love.

The first 3 that sign up for the 4 week course will get a FREE yoga mat!

Based on enrollment, there may be a manifest Party at the end! I will advise!

Your Life Guru,
Rebekka Lien
REGISTER TODAY –http://manifestyoga.eventbrite.com/

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Strength is letting go,

surrendering to the promises which holds you in air, in gravity, floating throughout space

Your letting go is a gift to the universe, you allow everything to conspire FOR you.

It’s already done, it’s a done deal.

Let you body surrender, let the striving cease, let your mind feel ease, let you heart subside in complete love.

Though you don’t feel that you deserve it, but your faith is delving deeper into your soul and you know somehow, somehow, and no earthly persons knows, how it’s going to happen, but you sink deeper.

You hold on when the thread, the rope untangles, faster than you can hold onto, suddenly the rope is completely gone and you fall back, slowly, at first, faster and faster, into the abyss of self-consciousness, of perhaps Wholiness. 

You feel your heart explode and light escaping everything that is you, and suddenly the light within you is the very thing that lifts you higher. The light is like a gravity lifter, it defies gravity and somehow 

and finally flying, but it’s not you flying, it’s the light within and all you’re doing is really just floating, expanding, going where you need to but completely engulfed in love. 

I’m not here to teach you how to succeed.

I’m here to teach you about forgiving those who have hurt you, letting go of the past, accepting what is so that you can move forward, without hindrances, so that yes…you can succeed and be happy in life. However, without confronting the shit in your heart, and being real with your ego, you’ll never be happy because an ego self is selfish, not filled with love. 

Change Your Mind, Change Your Life- https://www.facebook.com/events/687448304666732/

You heart desires to be set free

To have space, to have freedom to be, to be still and to know all is completed.

All is won and done.

Your heart seeks peace, seeks rest.

Our outward actions are manifestations of where our hearts are at. 

Some hearts need more time and space, some hearts need less, but we all need to nurture the child within, for without it, we’d be simply flesh and bones.

Intimacy scares me, though I thought I gave my heart to a higher cause, there is still self-protection, and self-protection is fear that God will not protect my heart. We live in fear because we think it is safe, but we are compromising our dreams to live in lack. We choose to live in a veil of stability which only becomes a prison. 

In a prison, we are unable to break free by our own will. By divine grace, we are set free.

The only reason I’ve become so mature, wise and deep from self-reflection is because I’ve created boundaries to give my heart time to be, not do. Are you giving yourself a garden to cultivate your deepest thoughts, desires and wisdom? 

FB- Hang out with us on Tuesday!

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“What great thing would you attempt if you knew you could not fail?” — Robert Schuller

To truly live life to the fullest, to be passionately pursuing life and your dreams, you must overlook the mistakes you will make. You must be slow to judge, slow to condemn, slow to be offended. You must manuever quickly because we are all human and we all make mistakes. To be an artist, an entrepreneur, you must make mistakes to be a great one. You must make big mistakes, I think that’s a requirement, it creates depth and depth is seen in your work. 

I love hearing the sound of rain, the sound of cars driving on a watered road. After watching Lost in Thailand on Netflix, I had this urge to write about my recent heart journey. Ever since I came back from Hawaii, I’ve been releasing even more negative vibes out of my life. Though I had already sold all of my furniture and reduced my clothes to fit into a duffle bag, I was not done with starting over.

I also needed to once and for all forgive everyone that had ever hurt me in my life. As I started writing down names of people I wanted to forgive and release from my heart, no longer requiring their validation, approval or apologies, I realized there was a theme of “lack of affection/attention” or “negative words or words of rejection”, some that consisted of people making judgements on me even though they had known me for years, yet perhaps out of a lack of love in their own hearts, chose to see me as someone i was not…out of the attempt to control someone they could not control- me. 

I also had to forgive myself for “wasted years” when the truth is….I needed to go through what I went through to see the precious worth of my time and life. I remember telling a stranger that I learned a lot from my past relationship, he replies “well you sure learn a lot after a beating” (now that’s an analogy). We don’t always need to learn from hardships or heartbreak, we can learn from wisdom, from listening to our hearts.

Well, now I can help others who struggle with self-worth and rejection.  I also needed to learn what it meant to invest time, energy and heart into my closest relationship and that it was not selfish of me to spend time alone or not want to spend time with mere strangers. I saw that as my influence inclined, many people wanted to “spend time with me” to talk about “their issues”, which I do offer in my coaching sessions. Unless you are a close friend of mine, I will not invest time and energy to get “freeloaded”. In order to be the best that I can be, I need to protect my time with myself and most of all, meditate and pray. But I also learn that it is better to have a flexible heart than inflexible ritual. That’s why I’m not big on rituals or things that take away from my heart.

I commit to things because it makes me happy, not because I feel guilt-tripped into it. Who are the people you need to forgive? What did they say or do that hurt you and how did it make you feel in terms of value, worth or significance? Because unless you continue to receive forgiveness and forgive others, the manifestation of our lives are simply an image. Heart growth, heart healing is what counts, unless this is dealt with….all the fruit of our labors will rot.

Trust me on this. Everything you’ve ever worked for will become bitter fruit, wrought out of a bitter root (your heart). Allow your heart to become healthy so that love can flow freely into every area of your life.  If you haven’t released forgiveness or people from your heart, they are taking up SPACE for the people that want to love and be loved by you. 

My commitments in this life:

1. To know that I have already been forgiven and am free to make mistakes

2. To allow others to be themselves and to allow them to make mistakes just as I make mistakes

3. To know that there is no such thing as “mistakes” but simply detours to the right path

4. To enjoy life to the fullest And just to give you a personal update, I’ll be going up to Sacramento May 14-17 to speak at a women’s conference. From there I’ll be going to Berkeley or Palo Alto, I haven’t decided. And Thailand is on my mind, will probably go this Fall, don’t know how and what, but like any other trip, I must step forward in faith.

When you’re gracious with yourself, you’ll allow others to be themselves around you. That’s the most beautiful form of relationship!

Nothing is real save love. Nothing matters but love.

I’ve walked everywhere for one week now, no use of my car. It’s allowed me to reach some spiritual awakenings in my soul.

‘Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace.’

Here goes:

There is no lack, but perceived lack. Nothing is real outside of what is within our consciousness. Anything that desires to be manifest will be manifest in its due time. Any areas of strivings are evidence that you do not know you have 100% power within you as long as you know you are complete in God, as God has redeemed you…as long as you have received the free gift of completion.

Since you are 100% complete and whole, and in your inner reality, there are actually no lack, no problems…since these external concerns are simply deviations from self love or the knowledge that you are loved.

What is real is who you are on the inside. Until you come to see that you are creator of your life, you will keep striving for that which you think you lack within. All progress starts from within.

When you receive perfect love from God- in the eyes of God you become pure, perfect; there is no lack. Thus, we are all remembering who we already are in the future. There is no time in the I AM. You are who you are, there is no time, we live forever…our spirits are eternal beings. Our bodies are simply temporary dwellings which our spirits live in.

Any perceived problems, lack, relational conflicts, divorce, breakups, heart breaks are our hearts telling us “things are supposed to be beautiful, eternal, things are supposed to last”.

Our lives are like spirals, there are perceived backwardness, such as losing our careers, relationships, people, but these are necessary seasons just as winter is necessary for summer to come later.

When people accuse you of not giving them love, it is often because they do not acknowledge love is within them and waiting to be received. People also treat you as they treat themselves. If they judge you, they judge themselves harshly. If they demean you, they demean themselves in their own lives. Now you say that people have hurt you, but if we start to see that people act out of their perceived lack (not knowing that love is realized in their consciousness first), you are then not responsible for how they feel. 

Your worth does not come from whether people approve or love you. Love is complete within you, so whether someone likes you or not does not affect how you feel. You are devoid of ego, only spirit.

This is intense stuff but I hope you gained something from this blog post.

XOXO- BEX

My Ebook can be purchased here: https://payhip.com/b/6zoT

Catba Vietnam

10 years later I find myself sitting at the orthodontist and looks me straight in the eyes “wear your retainers 24/7”, I’m like are you serious? And then I get some hot cheetos, my favorite magnum ice cream and some horchata, none of which is that healthy, but enjoying these snacks while walking a mile home, I suddenly am filled with delight.

I was always easily amused growing up.

In fact, you could put me in my room and I’d play with my barbies with a whole day, making up stories and have them talk to each other. 

I could spend days on end imagining and living in my own world. I was happy.

Then all of a sudden, I found myself comparing my life with others. Well, they have a bigger house, oh I need a cell phone too? The truth was, I was already content because my mind was filled with fascinating delights. But as I got older, I started to see that “success”, you know by means of hustle was important to 99% of people. Though my mom encouraged the arts, teaching us piano, sending us to cello lessons, at the end of the month, the stress of bills seemed to outweigh the joy of creating.

I found myself wanting to help, to be independent. I worked all throughout college, my parents didn’t have to pay one cent of my college tuition. I climbed the corporate ladder, only to very fast, find out I hated it. And I hated structure because I needed my own space to create and to be myself. 

What frustrates me with human beings these days is that they see sitting at a desk, being unhappy a sign of productivity.

What frustrates me with human beings these days is that it never seems to be enough.

What frustrates me with human beings is that they (or I) often worry about tomorrow when today is just as beautiful and the human beings you love are right in front of you, while you are staring at your Iphone trying to figure out when your next client will call.

So in the midst of being a walking sage these days, I find myself saying hello to animals, plants, finding potholes, secret pathways, stairs, and I’m fascinated, I’m excited, I’m overwhelmed with the beauty that is all around me and I’m happy. 

What has it cost me to be happy?

1. Getting rid of my car
2. Not having a sim card
3. Letting spirit lead.
4. The need to control
5. Having a lot of friends who don’t really know me.

It’s an act of returning to childlike joy, and though it cost me a great deal, reverting to who I am, a creative and joyful child, I am filled with the delight of God.

Lately I’ve been having dreams that have caused me to cry in my sleep. This afternoon I have a dream where I’m teaching my beautiful students how to sew. My mom steps in and tells me she is not going to pay me for my time, I’m outraged and leave.

Now this actually happened.

In my career in fashion, I often felt underpaid and overworked. I felt no value. I left the industry because of it, I needed to find my worth first.

In the dream I start watching a scary movie but one of my students is still there, she cries. I hug both of them and start crying, I say it’s going to be okay. I am sorry, I won’t do it again.

There is so much fear, competition and intimidation in industries and I am reminded that we must live out our power and faith by remembering we were put on this earth to create freely, not to step on each other, but to empower and create in support and love.

I want to bring back the power of nurture and freedom in industries that have been taken over by the power of fear.

Come on.

(photo taken at a cafe in London 2014)

SUMMER IS HERE. That means change.

This year is the year of jubilee, for those that follow spiritual seasons. A lot of shifts and changes are happening in the air. First off, UK pulling out of EU. 

Now, when I heard about that, I knew immediately the pound was going to drop in value. However, after my dream, God clarified a few things.

When a country goes through change, and when people are voting for change from traditions, that means they want a NEW THING. They want to break away from what has been so they can see change and new things in their lives. The UK is becoming independent because the majority, more than half of the people are looking for change.

What does it mean? There is a thirst for something more. Discontentment for what is already.

Most of the world will see it as a weakness, however, spirituality, I believe it is one of the greatest thing that is happening. Now countries and world powers are either being removed or realigned. Old traditions are being dismantled. 

Spiritual implications is that even though on the outside, people see economic weakness, people will come into their own power in leadership- in their personal lives, leadership will be replaced in politics, government, education, arts, people will awaken to the dreams that have been hidden in tradition. New things will happen in the country.

This is a great reminder that even though you may have gone through a desert in your career, love life, dreams, a great shift is coming where you will be catapulted to your wildest dreams, and where you are has no reflection of where God is bringing you. 

Photo by http://www.see.place and google (does not belong to me).

I’m a dreamer, I dream almost every night. They are long dreams, like a movie. Sometimes I dream about heaven, actually my spirit is there, it’s too real. When I dream about heaven, I always have a feeling of wonder, like when I’m watching a movie by myself in the theater. Maybe that’s why I love film so much, because what is real is not what we see, but what we see with our hearts.

This night I have a dream that I am in an apartment, I’m sleeping, I wake up and clean, I look out the window and see a sign that says Hawaii. However, it is really strange. There are boats and people walking on water. Except they are actually walking on land, which is under water. There are boats like the ones I’ve seen in Thailand. It is a little gloomy. I try to walk out of the apartment, but there are so many rooms I can’t seem to get out.

Finally, I see two girls, they are twins and roommates of the girl I’m staying with.

We are talking, suddenly I feel dizzy because the apartment starts moving. Maybe the island around me is moving? I’m confused, as the room starts moving, I see the land. We are actually floating, but there is land and ocean.

It looks like the blue city in Morocco, but it is all situated in and over water so imagine the blue city surrounded by water. It is magical, beautiful, stunning, my heart can’t take the beauty anymore. When we arrive somewhere, we get off. I’m shocked, okay, the whole time I had gone into a room that was actually a vehicle, I was then transported.

I’m shocked and tell them I’m not going wherever they are going. And for some odd reason, they say they are going to Denver, on a roadtrip, for 9 days. 9 days adds up to July 4 which is the day God told me something would happen in my life.

I tell the bus load of people, I can’t go, no I didn’t even bring water! I have nothing on me, I left my wallet in the “real apartment”. I see out on the sideline and see my friend, but he has something stuck in his eye and I freak out.

I know it’s addressing some feelings of not knowing where I’m going or doing next, or what July 4 will bring, readiness, preparedness in my heart, but before I know it I wake up.

You are enough, for God. But usually not for humans. If you were purely living in grace, you are enough. Now, when you’re a kid, you get to play, and you’re allowed to be goofy. As you grow up, you gradually notice that you are rewarded for “being good” to your parents. You know, being obedient. Then, you are applauded for accomplishing things like getting A’s, being president of some volunteer organization or club at school, writing a good essay for your college, getting into a good college, dating the right kind of person that your friends approve of, looking nice, losing weight, the list seems to go on.

That’s me just playing, because I wanted to, because I was curious, because I was interested, not because I was being forced to.

As you get older, you are applauded for getting the right kind of job with the right salary, you are congratulated for having a kid, getting married, maybe staying at a few luxury resorts….you get applauded for trying, but not really for failing. Or for living at home with your parents when you are 30…definitely not applauded for still being single and doing odd jobs and freelancing….you definitely are not applauded for “being” because “being” seems lazy, seems well, lazy times two.

Your whole life after 3 years old, or whatever age you stopped playing because your parents wanted you to “succeed”, is a whole list of doing, trying, accomplishing, checking off lists. It’s a tiring rat race.

After I became self-employed, I had to release the idea of trying. I hustled really hard. And even that wasn’t freedom, it was slavery to the whole system of striving. When I finally gave into what I call grace, allowing God to open the right doors, I still struggle with it at times…but now I’m more sensitive to it.

The spirit of striving is like this spirit that sits on your shoulder and tells you “YOU’RE NOT ENOUGH = DO MORE!” 

Do you ever notice that when you want attention and love from people, you rarely get it? You seem desperate and people can smell it? But when you’re content and filled with love, people love to bother you. It’s because that is BEING. The God void in your heart isn’t supposed to come from people, they can’t fill your every need. It’s supposed to come from within, a divine Godly love.

And when you are filled with DIVINE LOVE, people are attracted to real unconditional, spirit filled love. A desperate need for love comes from fear, fear of not being enough. Fear that you need peoples’ approval. 

Yesterday my mom was like “if only you had studied something else”. I’m like, “you want a happy daughter or a miserable one?” And Helen Fisher had really helped me discover my personality, I got 97% explorer, which just means I don’t like being controlled and I love excitement and variety…….paired with builder is a no no because they tend to be too structured and have a need for stability. Which makes a lot of sense because in my past relationships the guy didn’t even have a passport. And here I am literally itching to go to 100 more countries.

SO rest into what I call divine grace.

And if you don’t understand what that means, ask. And you shall receive the answer as I am slowly learning. It’s a lifestyle, it’s a divine now.

You are enough. Stop doing and start soaking in the love that fills you to the overflow. 

“And if by grace, then it cannot be based on works; if it were, grace would no longer be grace.”- Romans 11:6

(Phuket, Thailand)

I’m stepping out and letting my heart be exposed. I’m letting go of control. Your heart is safe for me.

I’m learning emotional vulnerability with God. I’ve had a relationship with God since I was very young. I didn’t grow up with my dad, and my mom was rather emotionally unavailable. I often played under the table in my room. I had a really wild upbringing, mostly being home alone at a young age. I was free in a way, but always looking for protection, always defending and protecting my heart. I read an article I wrote about my life in a newspaper to my mom once and she got really mad, told me not to write about it because it seems like she was really irresponsible and neglected me.

But I realize that when I’m vulnerable with the world, perhaps I can reach one person who feels alone, someone in pain, someone who isn’t brave enough to ask others for help.

I’m afraid to write honestly because of how mean the world has been to me. Because of the response I’ve gotten to my writing, because of the judgement I’ve heard from strangers. Here’s vulnerability. 

I’ve been afraid to be myself because how the world has treated me, or perhaps how I’ve treated myself. 

For awhile my heart was numb because of all the pain I went through in my life. I felt pain because of I felt like I couldn’t breathe again after a broken relationship, I felt pain because I lost friends that were dear to me, I got mad at God, I closed my heart off. Instead of going to God for comfort, I pretended everything was okay.

Joseph had a dream, a big dream and his brothers laughed at him, he was tricked and sent to prison for years. That was his desert. I’m just walking out of the prison. The prison was people who were close to me laughing at my dreams. The prison was my shutting my heart off. The prison was pretending to forgive and forget, but feeling the pain still. The prison was my unwillingness to believe that God was safe. 

And slowly I poured my heart out, it is a physical tension I still feel. I’ll feel a literal ache in my heart, my neck starts to hurt and in the pressure of all the stress, my hand has felt numb as if an after effect of my heart tension.

So in it all, I let go of controlling the pain or the fears. Because I know you are safe God. 

My craziest, well, I’ve HAD A LOT OF CRAZY travel experiences as a solo backpacker, but the weed cake in Amsterdam was PRETTY crazy.

I am not a drug user, I’ve never tried any hardcore drugs. I’ve only drank. And smoked weed (socially). But THE WEED CAKE from Amsterdam did me in. I only planned 2-3 nights there because the hostels were really expensive compared to the rates I was paying in other cities. After a 9 hour bus ride from London (in 2014), I got picked up from the bus station by a friend I met at King King (LA), which used to play really cool house music, but it is unfortunately now CLOSED. I used to go to King King with my older friends (well, not much older…haha, like 2-3 years older). My younger friends didn’t really understand what the heck it was about, you see it was about the MUSIC and the DANCING, not instagram.

Anyways, we had a meal, caught up and I went up.

It was the cheapest hostel in Amsterdam, which meant you literally lived across a 24 hour club banging loud music….I don’t know how I fell asleep at all. 

But you know being semi- adventurous, I met some random friend in the lounge the next day, which happens to be purple, and he was like “hey, I heard there’s this really good weed cake, want to split one?” We found the cafe, owned by Armenians, I think, and we bought the famous weed cake he was talking about.

Anyways, we split it. We actually split it.

The last time I ate weed was when my friend made a cookie, I only ate a bit of it and when I was trying to drift off to sleep, I felt like there was a bug crawling in my stomach. Talk about paranoid.

Anyways, nothing happened.

But then I got really hungry and went to the only place I could afford with my budget, Burger King. Stupidly, I got a freaken coffee! And a meal. I devoured the load.

The coffee came sweeping up on me like a explosion of heartbeats and stars. I remembered my friend Munir told me not to drink coffee.

I was NOT okay.

I had to lie down fast or I was going to faint or have an epileptic attack.

I walked to my hostel mixed dorm room and climbed up to my bunk bed. I don’t know how much time past, but I literally saw my hand shaking. I called my boyfriend at the time, who I met in London, I said “I’m going to die, I’m dying”. He said “you sound okay to me”.

No really I’m dying.

I don’t know how much time past, but I kept staring at the clock scared that I would miss my bus tomorrow. I climbed down once, threw up, stared at the mirror, my eyes bloodshot. Was I dreaming? I climbed up again, how did I manage not to fall. I was not used to be out of control. I was a control freak really, I mean how else could I backpack on my own and not get kidnapped?

I projectile vomited a few times, one time I couldn’t hold it in and sort of sprayed into some of those Australian mates’ massive pile of stinky clothes and bags, there was even a doll in there. Like what?

The worse was when the purple swirly Victorian style wallpaper turned into Buddha. My heart was racing and this nice Samaritan gave me a drink of her water. 

Later we would bump into each other in Berlin. 

It was in the afternoon. I found myself playing worship music and praying in tongues. I forgave all my enemies and asked God to forgive me for hating on people.

I got my heart right somehow, I don’t know why, but I felt that if I died in that Amsterdam bunk bed, next to filthy stinky shit that belonged to these filthy mates, I’d be okay. Apparently, I even talked to some people, but half way I’d stop.

“where are you from?” – said stranger.

“I’m from LA”- Said me.

“How long are you traveling for?”

me- “uhhhh”. Blank out, I’m dying, I think.

Ran to bathroom, throw up, stare at mirror, ran back to bunk bed, am I alive, am I in some sort of Tom Cruise movie? Everything was like seconds of a film, it was a movie.

This is what came of that day.

You can order your own print here: https://society6.com/product/amsterdam-wz8_print#s6-2691391p4a1v45

The sketch, the cafe, and the hostel cat and I recovering.

I’ll always have stories to tell. Moral of the story, some good art might come from a horrific experience, and sometimes they wake us up to a spiritual reality.

If love is not fear, has no part in it, and vice versa, then it makes sense that when we try to control the outcome, the process of life, loved ones or even what we desire, we will not attain it or have true peace (even if we attain it to our liking).

Why? Because control comes from a fear that if you did not have it or attained it, whether it is a person, thing or goal, you wouldn’t be whole.

So then, what is true happiness?

Contentment, becoming, being. 

In knowing your position as a daughter or the son of God, we are whole in all. Royalty.

So that our acquiring, achieving, creativity only comes from a pure place of knowing who we are as royalty, and not from a place of needing the world’s approval. 

That is why people are often disappointed because they are waiting for proof of their royalty when in actuality a queen or king has no need of proof, they are, within, knowing who they are.

I wrote this in my notebook a few nights ago.

The more I release the ego- the desire to fight the flow of life, the more I am reaching deep spiritual breakthroughs, and often in my dreams. Yesterday I dreamed that I was driving a large truck and it was broken so that each time you tried to brake, it would halt only a little. The end of the truck kept hitting things.

Finally, I folded the truck (in the dream it was foldable) into the size of a piece of paper and laid it on the chair along with the keys. I gave it to the strangers around me.

The driving experience was the same as the one I had when I was in Bali. I got into a moped accident when in my excitement to discover the island like the author of Eat, Pray, Love, forgotten that Bali was a crazy island with lots of cars and mopeds.

A few times in my inexperienced state and fear, I pulled on the gas instead of the brake, one time going right in front of oncoming car, missing it by a bit. I ended up in an accident with the moped crushing my feet. I sat in my hotel room for 5 days, then another week recovering at another hostel. There was a clinic right across, it felt like a huge loss both to my wallet and to my ego. I was not able to experience Bali the way I wanted to and my feet was bloody with deep wounds.

My feet and legs are still sore 9 months after. That was December 2015.

I remember my friend said “God is guiding you, teaching you which steps to hop into like hopscotch”. 

The truth is sometimes I get ahead of God. I supposedly didn’t really crawl when I was baby, I just kept attempting to walk and I fell often. Later on as a kid, I fell a lot because I guess my legs weren’t properly prepped. I’m learning to rest.

I have always been different, in school, in the world. 

Instead of accepting the gift of being a breed of my own, I often tried to “catch up”. A lot of people my age are married, have kids, have a normal career, but I don’t have the status quo life. I often live in solitude and prefer writing. I don’t go out to party as much as I used to. I don’t have a lot of close friends, but I love the ones I do have.

In fact, I have learned to love my need for solitude and my time to be with God completely. It is strange I know, because I don’t really care to be popular or to hang out with people I don’t have any interest in. I’m not on any dating sites now, and I prefer not to date. I know in due time when the universe is ready, I will be aligned for my life partner.

So now I’m learning what it means to live a non-resistant life.

That means I don’t do things that cause havoc to my spirit, I listen to my spirit…if something seems too complicated and trying (such as planning things like meeting with a friend), I refuse it. So naturally I respond better to things that are spontaneous as I do not have to plan.

I don’t do things to further my career or status in life, because I believe I am always at the right place at the right time and I am in “further”, I am now, here, so there’s no means to an end, I am the end. God is the end and I am one with God. There is less striving, more being. 

The Lord is my Shepherd. I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me besides quiet waters, He refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for His name’s sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley. I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil, my cup overflows. Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever- Psalm 23

Accept that you are enough, here and now for the journey you are on.

I grew up going to church, Baptist to be precise. About 12 years old I encountered God in a divine, weeping way, I experienced unconditional love from the depths of my heart. My journey though had begun when I was young…in those wee hours where I was home alone and afraid of the dark. Somehow I knew that the Devil was as real as the darkness and as a 5 year old, I prayed desperately for God to save me from the hollow fear.

Since I had lots of time of solitude, growing up with a busy working single mom and lots of time alone, I developed an inner life that was rich and real. I was drawn to the holy spirit and basically “following my intuition”. I would tell stories about being led to talk to homeless people, miracles, hearing God- this was strange for a very legalistic baptist church.  Eventually I left. Later on, I learned that what I experienced in my life was called being led by the spirit. 

You don’t need to label it to know that your intuition is God speaking to you. When it feels peaceful, right, you feel urged on, you have little fear. Perhaps yes there is apprehension, but that is the ego speaking.

What I noticed though is that in the institutions of “God” many people still don’t understand the concept of the Father. The concept and being of the Father God is basically the loving, unconditional, light who embraces and loves to hear us talk even about our sadness, feelings of anger, and grief. He is not judgmental and treats us better than the best father on this earth. Because few of us have had good earthly fathers, we often feel that God must be the same way. 

In addition, people are very scared when they can’t label something.

There were times where I followed the Spirit and I did very spontaneous things….sometimes Spirit led me to places where I met the right people at the right time. Before I was to be selected for a TV show to go to Cebu, I kept hearing Cebu over and over again. Sometimes of course I doubt what I am hearing, but as the stories in my life unfolds, I am assured once again that what I was hearing was accurate.

Trusting yourself- now growing up in the church, the only thing I heard was “put yourself last”. Self-sacrifice. I think this led to many people growing up deprived of self love.

The truth is since God already sacrificed all for us, “everything that has to be done is already done”. This is the concept of grace. The holistic way of thinking is that we are born a reflection of who God is and each of us have glory within ourselves. So our whole lives is really about getting to know God, but also the holy place within our own hearts which says “I am an heir, I am royalty, everything about me is brilliant, my heart radiates light and I am filled with love and I am complete because God within me has completed me”. 

So while some institutions believe that all power is with God, the truth is if God is within us, all power is in us so that all power for change is cultivated once our spirit self accepts and has the capacity to embrace that truth.

In short, I have been on a journey of learning to trust my truth in every moment and to speak those truths even if they are “negative”. God loves all of who you are now, not in the future or the past. Yes, with all the things that seem negative. 

So instead of living by a set of rules, Jesus sets you free to live in relationship.

So there is actually no right or wrong, but that which sets you free, the truth.

There are many things that are good for you, but if you feed yourself a bunch of sermons or motivational books when your heart needs space to heal, it can become destructive. For example, your heart may need solitude but a friend offers to hang out with you (she wants to help you)…in those moments I listen to my heart and ask myself what it is I actually need…even a “good thing” like hanging out with a friend can deprive you of what you actually need, time alone. 

Good works, volunteer work might seem good- but if you are doing it as a way to redeem yourself or perhaps free you from the guilt of all the wrongs you’ve committed in your life, you will not be freed. Like I said, only God sees our heart. He says “I will free you if you allow me to give you the love you need, just receive it”.

When we open our hearts to receive the love that we do not need to work for, it is liberating.

What is practical and productive in the world may not be productive to your soul. More in the material sense is not more to your soul. You may continue to crave more and feel even more empty inside. For some reason, the more you buy the more lack you feel. That is your soul asking you to look within. The emptiness is a feeling and the feeling is always telling you something. 

Slow down and ask yourself where that feeling is coming from. 

Slow down and ask what during the day annoyed you so much that you started feeling pain in your neck. For me, I have pain in the left side of my neck when I am emotionally distraught, bothered or believing a lie, or perhaps I am trying to control my emotions instead of expressing them.

Follow me on Instagram! 

I like to use a provocative title to draw people in. But it is quite literal.

I woke up sobbing, feeling the depths of my heart, the hard pieces falling apart, away. For good perhaps. This time I had a dream where I was yelling, telling my story and a person in my life telling me to be quiet, to be ashamed. In the vicinity is an array of people that have told me to diminish myself because even if they didn’t know it, deep down they are afraid to be themselves and seeing someone free means they are still captive. 

I was crying in the dream, and when I got home my mom said I could no longer sleep there (meaning of rest) and that I must leave.

Sleeping in dreams usually means living in grace. The 5 years of wilderness for me was healing from the many wounds that I had somehow acquired in my life. 

Growing up in a single mother home, I didn’t quite learn what boundaries meant. This meant I listened to people, I got a load of garbage because I thought that meant I was loving them. Of course it was all in detriment to my own well being.

I found God in bed.

In sleep, in rest, in bed rest. I started having long, intense, novel like dreams. I had them every single night and I could remember them. 

And I stopped going to church. I found safe ways to listen to messages through youtube. I cut ties with people who were unsafe.

In this dream, I was wearing a coat to hide my bare chest. In dreams, bare chest usually means being unashamed, being completely wholly yourself. But I had to still hide my identity around the people who didn’t know how to be themselves.

Basically I wasn’t accepted as a human being. I was too edgy, too controversial, too much, too larger than life. I entered a season of solitude. During this time, I confronted my wounds and my heart. In a healing session I remember saying “to be honest, I was friends with people I didn’t even like” in reply to her question “it seems like you have a pattern of unfriending people and cutting them out of your life?”

I shocked myself there.

True, I was hiding myself, but to hang out with people I didn’t even like, that was extreme. But my final action told the truth. I actually found some people deeply annoying, obnoxious but I tried to be accommodating because I didn’t know how to say no or to explain why I felt how I felt.

Recently, I have started hanging out with people again. It is a slow process but I am now more mindful about what is mine and what isn’t. For example, when people have insecurities about being totally 100 percent themselves, they might project that unto you and try to control your freedom to be yourself. 

They might say something like “why are you doing that in public? It is embarrassing (to me)?” or dismiss your opinion without trying to understand it “that doesn’t make any sense, shut up”….those are examples of things people might say because they are unable to accept you for who you are and are fearful of what others think of them.

The religious spirit doesn’t just exist inside an institutional religion, but anywhere. The religious spirit is a spirit of control, it tries to bully you. The spirit of freedom is I believe who God truly is.

Here are some examples:

The religious spirit tells you that there is only right or wrong, black and white.

The spirit of freedom is relational, it is like a friend, it listens to your opinions and heart. It is collaborative and allows room for mistakes and decisions.

The religious spirit is controlling, it seeks to dominate people, it will only accept people if people follows their rules or idea of who they should be.

The spirit of freedom is unconditional and allows people to be themselves. It liberates rather than controls.

I hope this post gave you some insight. Peace and freedom. XOXO

Where the spirit is, there is liberty.